• hi, i am writing this in very poor health, there is no narrative here, i simply need to express
• i try to think of regrets and i see very few, almost none at all. everything i see, it was something we had to do, we havent shyed away from things, we are outspoken, we are extroverted
• in my mind, what i see, with my logical brain, is a very dark future, a very painful one, one where the continuation of self seems uncertain, purely from sustained damage
• but a logical brain does not survive
• the beauty of the human condition is the ace in the sleeve called chance, perhaps a one true religion, the chance, the perview in darkness that there is a chance that light may come. the chance of an after life, or a previous life. the logic of the condition and the chance that the condition will change.
• this is what keeps me going, in this very poor condition, the chance. the grief is powerful, it washes in waves, it bowls us over, all action and thought erased, caught in the tide, a frenzied, dark current where you lose control, where you slip away.
• but i believe. i believe in the chance of another good day. and maybe another good day after that. i believe that and i have to and it is the only thing worth believing. logic has no ground here. the spirit is strong, and the willpower, if beaten and bruised, still exists.
• i believe in the false god of chance and disbelieve the true god of fate. fate has no reward for me. the fate of all of us is death. it is not a pill that can be swallowed on its own.
• and i hope you dont forget this. i hope you know that part of me truly believes i will die, and that ill die soon, or worse, that i will lose myself, and i cant deny that part of me. i have to sate it somehow.
• so i write this with love for you, no matter who your sins, i write this with love for myself, despite my condition.
• you do not have to believe in any god for salvation. only the hope that it may change. the day may never came. but the hope is the only way you will see it.

from someone who has lived through too many death days,
you are never alone.

-em