Its easy to forget how "fresh" we are. Or thats to say, how little time we've actually been aware of ourselves. I say that cause a lot of experiences are now registering as something. Like how we can measure earthquakes on a scale. People didnt use to do that before. All they knew was the ratio of items that fell off of the shelf (I think. If there is some ancient precursor to the richter scale I dont know about then, well, sue me.)
But thats to say, alters come and go, and so do people. We understood right away that folks in the headspace come and go. But seeing it actually happen is a whole 'nother thing. Cause Rally came in, took over everything. We've been using the word "domineering". In that even when they arent up front, you still feel them in the recess, waiting to bubble up again. Or thats how it was- Rally has been completely absent. Gone. Nada. Zip. I still think we hear a them a little but... real quiet. Rasy is a rare sight, but thats hardly a surprise anymore. Tesms been real absent too, Thats more of a surprise. Still hear her, though.
And its weird because I feel a sense of mourning. Or story, and maybe that isnt actually weird at all. But thats easier to say if you dont have a fucked head. I cant stress how weird this brain is. Cause plurality can feel kind of unreadable. It was sure as hell undetectable for a long, long time. Even though we lived with it constantly. But there's lines. Lines between identities. One really foggy brain with a bunch of different ways of expressing itself. Someone like nisky can identify with like, sparkledog type shit and someone like me "gets it" but also like, no. Thats not my drift, sister. But like, why? Why is there a line there? I always wonder how "normal" people
All that to say that when Rasy, Tesm, Rally, anyone, is gone, I'm wondering what im actually missing. Them as an alter? As an outlet? Is it the collective missing them or just me? Is it them missing themselves? How do you discern the difference when all the different versions of you have their own thoughts, their own opinions, on everything? and yet, the lines between all of us feel so faint and blurred sometimes. Cause at the end of the day theres more of "us" then identities we have. Theres multiple niskys. Theres probably multiple of everyone. Sometimes I wonder if when one of us shows up a lot its just, a bunch of us collecting under that mask of identity because its safe.
I miss people, too. Not just the ones inside our own brain. The chronic circadian rhythm fuckage means we can never maintain a social routine for long. Its upsetting. Then you throw the plurality on top of that, man. You can go forever without talking to a person you care about. I got memories of times that I miss. Times that maybe only I miss. Do I try to dig there? Try to build off of what I had then? What do you build on when your time might be up before you know it? Sorry I'm not there as much as I wish I was, Lilly. I love the shit out of you. Sometimes I feel like because of our fragmentation we get our hooks into too many people. And it only makes us feel more fragmented and alone. I dont know, though. I'm running out of steam. Catch me mourning both everything and nothing in particular.