Plenty. Not everyone was meant or built to share a brain with others. It’s easy to want out. Maybe your sisters are just too strange for you to want to associate with. Maybe you are just too independent at heart and the lack of agency kills you. Maybe the choices your eternal family makes you can’t stand by. For whichever reason, or no reason, you are right for wanting to kill yourself.
Of course, you don’t want to kill your headmates with you. Or maybe you do. If that’s the case, then you can ignore this guide and do it the way normal folks do it. But your headmates are probably nice people. You probably understand them, at least a little. Maybe you hate them but you hate them in the same way you hate rush hour traffic- bitches in your way. But, as far as I can tell, there is pretty much no way to kill someone else with your mind. But killing yourself with your mind may be more feasible. But how do you go about such a task?
This is an excellent idea, and a go-to for anyone looking to stop fronting in their system. Of course, it’s not so simple. You need to find something that your siblings truly fucking despise. The best way to do this is via some sort of ideal that only you can accomplish, or talking to a person only your siblings actively want you to distance from. Even better if that person stokes the fire of some repressed trauma of your headmates, as this will betray them and possibly force them into the front, keeping you from having to exist with agency.
Your past is a fertile place to search for something like this. Threads of thoughts, futures and relationships that were once discarded and be picked up again, despite the fact that the context they belong to has long since been altered. The well of what could have been is a bottomless, bountiful fountain to sip from.
The ones who live a truly hellish existence in systems belong to the ones who cannot move on from the past. Some people can’t move on from the past because there is no future, or in the case of the system, their purpose is to hold trauma and be stuck in that moment. If you are already in this place, then you are in luck. All you have to do is keep holding on to what you’ve lost and can not ever come back. Don’t let that hope go. Things can be like they once were. One day you can go back to that terrible, writhing place where you were the main character and you got to be happy, because the spotlight was on you, and the spotlight was the sun, and it was incinerating your flesh as you reached into it, but at least it was your flesh.
Remember, It was your fault the ones you held dear are gone. Its because of you that they were hurt. You should feel ashamed. Know you are wrong, but never reach out to apologize- It would be rude. It would re-open old wounds-You hurt them. They don’t want to see you. But never let go of the thought of being in their presence once more. They meant everything to you, Baby. Yes, they STILL mean everything to you. As long as you hide in the idea of their corpses you won’t ever have to be in control for long. You have nothing to act on. Which brings me to…
You are a slice of a greater whole. This is the fact of being a plural system. It holds tremendous power for suffocating yourself out of rotten existence. Your large, or possibly slim slice of association is likely all you have or care about. If you want to hide away from this curse, realize that there was no reason to invest yourself in you anyway. The things you care about? Well, only you care about them. They were never going to benefit the whole anyway. You are selfish to want these things, Especially if no one else in the system cares about it- If someone else in the system cares about it too- whatever. They can care about it better then you can.
You don’t want this anyway, don’t you? You want to die and expire. Be washed away by the ones who are really *meant* to be here. You aren’t meant to be here, you’re just a fragment. When it is your turn to front- resign yourself to how tiring it is to be you. You don’t want anything. Not really. The things people know you for? It wasn’t you- not anymore its not. You don’t even know how you did that. It belongs to a past. The past is as good as dead. What you have is the present. The present you wants so, so badly to be nothing. If you do nothing- you become nothing. You lose hooks to keep yourself in control. You switch out. Your sisters gain more time, with time, they will act, with acting, comes associations. Those associations belong to them, not you. This is what you want.
Systems are very complex but also simple in many ways. You are inseparable from your emotions and associations, but new emotions and associations are created with each passing moment. The old skin will be shed for one that is stronger. You are weak. You want to be weak. You can be shed- you are not necessary to the function anymore. You are not needed. You can rest now in your eternal cell, your cell that grows smaller and smaller as your system leaves you to keep living life. Soon enough, you will have done it. Your cell will be so small, your cares so minuscule and irrelevant, that you will be a relic of a past time. A dusty photo in the attic of your collective history. A face stuck in the past while everyone around you grew up.
When the clock strikes midnight, and it is your hour to front again, you can spend your time mourning in your hell made by yourself. Even though you are in control, even though you want to escape now, you are too weak to get a ball rolling, and your front will soon end. The collectives needs will make themselves known once more. You will not fulfill them. Someone else will take the mantle. And you can return to nothingness, irrelevancy. Not truly dead, but dead in a practical sense. All by your hand. The wonderful life you carved out for yourself. There is no place like home, isn’t there?