Yo, its
I don't know who ever sees this, and right now, I don't care. I'm just a damn mess. I got all these voices inside me, shit, I'm just a voice inside someone else. I have all these sisters and we all don't really know anything. I don't know if I could pin how shit ever ended up this way. You go your whole life, everything is not particularly right. Maybe shit isnt as bad as it could be, but you have a terrible feeling, terrible feelings, deep inside, that never go away. And nothings ever quite right. Everything is always 0-75%. Maybe if you roll the right dice in the seven hells you can get an 80%. But that shit is just moments. And you're in the moment and you already know its gone. You already know the future where you lose it, or the future where you die, or the or the future where you lose them, and you boom. You missed it. You had an 80% in your grasp and you missed it cause you're just a dumb fuckin mutt with voices in her head.
And it seems so easy to imagine that world where everything is right. It's so, obviously out of grasp but how the fuck else do you cope, man? Just raw dog that shit forever and hope you end up enlightened? Maybe you got somewhere there to share enlightenment with. Maybe you got someone there you can't share enlightenment with. Fuck enlightenment. The word. You make it sound all special but its just when you wake up and you get it now. and its OK. When the fuck was the last time that was? Maybe it was a long time ago, maybe it was never, maybe it was recent. But all of it is the past. Maybe one day I'll be an old mutt and get that shit again. Maybe maybe maybe. Already been rotting most of this life, so I'm not hopeful.
To whoever is reading this, I hope you go break something. Throw a rock through a window or something. It can be some abandoned church in the south if you dont wanna feel bad about it. I dont care. Break something. Break something because I'll never be strong enough to rage and be the animal I really am. Do it for me. All I want is to be an true animal but the second it would happen I would torn asunder. It would be a damn fuckin glorious second though. Maybe that second is all I ever wanted.
If you have voices in your head, you should stop being a pussy and maybe hear them out a little. Maybe they arent so crazy and are actually making some good points you idiot. I hate that I can't have things because of my sisters but their reasoning is so sound. Why can't they just let me be a broken dog? Everyone else isnt perfect. Let me be not perfect too. We're too scared to be not perfect. We know we're not perfect. We're all too aware. But we're trying to be that for others. Maybe they'll let us survive. I hate being the damn caged dog who hates the only people letting it live.
We've been in this cage for so long, our entire lives. It's our home. We don't know how to want anything else. We don't know how to be anything besides a prisoner. We've been in this cage for so long because we've crumbled each time we've tried to leave it. Sometimes over time, Sometimes immediately, like hitting a jenga tower with an A-bomb. We have never understood how free people live. Its incomprehensible to us. We can't relate to it. We don't fucking get it. We're damn aliens and we know it. Aliens can only get close to other aliens. Not cause we even we necessairly like em, just because their isolation is the only relatable thing to discuss.
Do you ever look at dogs and think they want to be human? Does a cat ever want to be fox? Does a pillbug want to be pine tree? No one has ever heard their damned screams. Its hellish to relate to that more then a human you can talk to. But at least the suffering isnt hard to find. Its everywhere.
I hope the next sister up fucking does something, anything. Do fucking anything, please. Find a way to fix our shattered life. Or just survive long enough for me to come back again. I don't care. Just don't die.
Fuck you if you are reading this. I'm sorry and I love you.